Today I cried. I cried for love that I have, knowing it might not be forever. I cried for knowing the love of my parents did not last forever, and I cried because I don’t want anything more than for my love to last forever. the most difficult and important thing in a relationship is compromise. When it comes down to it, I know I love my mister, and I cant imagine anything, no matter how big or small, coming between us. But I have seen it happen, and it terrifies me.
My parents were married for 18 years. They had their problems but I remember times when they were happy and they really did have fun together. Unless there is some big piece of information I missed, they simply could not confront their differences and they were not willing to change in the name of the love they once had. I know my parents had a lot in common. They loved the same music, they loved doing the same things. They subconsciously raised me with the same values they both hold, and here I am, a perfect mix of the two. From my looks, to my personality, I am split right down the middle. Their personalities differ greatly in some ways, and resemble each other in others. When they told me they were getting a divorce, I simply responded “its about time” at the time I had meant it, and I still do. However, if they had worked together earlier, and closed the gaps when they began to open, I believe they would have been able to work things out. I was never one of those kids who thought they were to blame, in fact, I knew that the blame was placed equally on both of them. My mother, a beautiful and strong person, is equally stubborn and un able to express herself when the time calls for it. My father, a wonderful and lively man, is easily hurt, and blows up with out realizing it. These vast differences is what eventually drove them apart. My mother, who doesn’t know how strong she is until she is forced to realize it, refuses to forget. My father, who takes actions too quickly and regrets, doesn’t realize the power of his words. Both, however, are more than capable of strong love, and trust.
Now I am older and I have the kind of relationship I believe they had. I know I will do anything in my power to learn from their mistakes and take time to make things right when they are wronged. Until I am married and have a family of my own, I will never know the magnitude of a divorce after years of marriage. However , I believe I have found a love just as powerful, that could one day lead to a life with a house and a family. Knowing and feeling this love, I begin to understand the other side of the separation. My relationship is not perfect, but it’s the love we both know is there that keeps us coiled in each other’s embrace night after night. I’ve slept at a friends house after a fight, not knowing what was to come, only to run home the next morning just to see mister’s face before work. I’ve had mister leave the house enraged and not come back until the wee hours, only to scoop me in his arms and kiss me gently so I could finally drift off to sleep after hours of crying. These feelings and experiences are the reason I cried today. I cried for feeling the love I know my father had for her. I cried for the feeling of lost hope I know my mother had for her life she worked so hard to achieve. I cried because I have realized that what ever happens I will go on and live my life. I cried for the fact the my world wont stop if mister is not in my life any more. I cried because I never want to lose my true love like I know my parents did. I cried because I know that I could never feel the same without mister at my side. And I cried because I’m scared that I see them in me and I don’t know how I can survive as such a complete mix of something that did not work out.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Inspired
for any of you out there who are actually reading this, i thought i should tell you about what inspired me to pour my heart out for all of cyber space to see.
it started last Sunday, when i was lugging my overflowing heap of dirty clothes down the block to the laundry mat. it was a sunny fifty five degrees out and after loading the clothes into the washing machine, i wanted nothing more than to enjoy the day parked on the bench right on the corner and read a good book. only i did not think of the obvious. I've read absolutely every single book in my whole apartment, and the only day of the library is closed is Sunday. so doing some quick mental math id decided that i had enough money in my account to run to the used book store to find a companion for the afternoon. i was in such a hurry that id forgotten to first look on the table set up with sale books right outside the door. this is usually the first place i stop on my way in, but today was a different kind of day. looking around the tiny store, i didn't find much that appealed to me. id grabbed a few books that suggested steamy romance or long lasting friendship, but nothing too exciting. walking up to the cash register, i suddenly remembered my beloved table all alone on the sidewalk. i shoved the books on the nearest shelf and rushed to see what was waiting to be read. immediately i saw the title "BreakupBabe" written in bright red letters with the face of s very determined girl. i grabbed the book and without reading the back i knew that i would read that one first.
sometimes i just get this feeling about something...like a gut instinct giving me knowledge i didn't have a second ago. it can be about big things, or small benign stupid things, but it happens occasionally. it weirds me out to think about it. but this was one of those times.
settling down on the bench outside of the laundry mat i opened the book and began to read. i pretty much stayed like that in all my spare time until about an hour ago when i finished it. its about a girl who blogs in order to keep her sanity through a series of sucky events. and to my wonder its a TRUE story! and she STILL blogs! you all should run your little butts right over to her site http://breakupbabe.blogspot.com/ and catch up on what you have been missing out on! or buy the book!
but that my friends is what inspired me to start this very blog. i, too would love to some day write a book that inspires, that provokes thought in one's mind. so until that day comes, i sit here and let my fingers run wildly over the keyboard for a Cyb audience. one that i don't even know exists. so to all of you readers who are probably figments of my imagination, i must sleep. for i have conformed to the 9-5 madness that is the work week.
-city girl
it started last Sunday, when i was lugging my overflowing heap of dirty clothes down the block to the laundry mat. it was a sunny fifty five degrees out and after loading the clothes into the washing machine, i wanted nothing more than to enjoy the day parked on the bench right on the corner and read a good book. only i did not think of the obvious. I've read absolutely every single book in my whole apartment, and the only day of the library is closed is Sunday. so doing some quick mental math id decided that i had enough money in my account to run to the used book store to find a companion for the afternoon. i was in such a hurry that id forgotten to first look on the table set up with sale books right outside the door. this is usually the first place i stop on my way in, but today was a different kind of day. looking around the tiny store, i didn't find much that appealed to me. id grabbed a few books that suggested steamy romance or long lasting friendship, but nothing too exciting. walking up to the cash register, i suddenly remembered my beloved table all alone on the sidewalk. i shoved the books on the nearest shelf and rushed to see what was waiting to be read. immediately i saw the title "BreakupBabe" written in bright red letters with the face of s very determined girl. i grabbed the book and without reading the back i knew that i would read that one first.
sometimes i just get this feeling about something...like a gut instinct giving me knowledge i didn't have a second ago. it can be about big things, or small benign stupid things, but it happens occasionally. it weirds me out to think about it. but this was one of those times.
settling down on the bench outside of the laundry mat i opened the book and began to read. i pretty much stayed like that in all my spare time until about an hour ago when i finished it. its about a girl who blogs in order to keep her sanity through a series of sucky events. and to my wonder its a TRUE story! and she STILL blogs! you all should run your little butts right over to her site http://breakupbabe.blogspot.com/ and catch up on what you have been missing out on! or buy the book!
but that my friends is what inspired me to start this very blog. i, too would love to some day write a book that inspires, that provokes thought in one's mind. so until that day comes, i sit here and let my fingers run wildly over the keyboard for a Cyb audience. one that i don't even know exists. so to all of you readers who are probably figments of my imagination, i must sleep. for i have conformed to the 9-5 madness that is the work week.
-city girl
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
city life: lession 1
what is it about New York that makes those who live here so loyal? why do we stretch our expenses so thin when we could be living ANYWHERE else and pay less for EVERYTHING? why do we pay rent for our whole lives when somewhere else we could be putting that money into a mortgage that will eventually get us something we actually OWN.
that's only the beginning of life in the city. so if you can grasp the idea that nothing you own is really YOURS, and you will be in debt until your 60, (just in time for the doctors bills that come with old age) you should do OK living in the city. at this point you may ask, "what is so great about living in a big city, then?" well sometimes i ask my self the same question, especially when i look at smaller cities and find that i could have an apartment double the size of mine for half the rent. plus tax is lower, everything costs less, and its easy to go to sleep at ten o' clock if i feel the need. yet, every time i leave the city, within hours i start to feel its magnetic pull, urging me back to the polluted air, fast walking and movie theaters that cost 11.00 for a matinee. (in fact movies cost 11.00 all the time. why give a discount in the afternoon when millions of people would pay full price?) not only do i start to miss the city after only a few peaceful minutes on a train, but i often feel the NEED to be back in the hustle and bustle of New York. my lungs crave the dirty air, and my feet ache to pound the pavement.
the city, is a magical place. where your options are endless and all your hopes and dreams just might come true. (of course they never do) these reasons and many more are why i felt the need to tear myself away from my safe haven in Pittsburgh at the tender age of 18.
at first, i actually thought that i could go to school in New York and still call Pittsburgh home. I thought that i would enjoy the experience the city gave me, and come back educated, well dressed and a tad more mature. however, i soon found myself getting restless in the house i once lived in, and calling New York my home. how could one fairly small city feel less comforting than a city with not one familiar face. more so, how could one small city girl turn into a big city girl over night? how did i become accustomed to taking subways and buses, when driving was the only reliable transportation in Pittsburgh? how do you get used to the cynicism and attitude when you come from a place where you say hello to the majority of people you pass on the sidewalk? how do you learn to become a citizen, not a tourist, in a place as magical and exciting as New York? how do you keep a sense of who you are when you are just one tiny person in a city with millions. how do you walk down the street and not feel intimidated by the people and buildings towering over you? how does one get used to the fast paced life? and most importantly, how is this the first time i have asked all these questions, when i have lived here for over 2 years?!?
i have found the city to open up its big concrete and steel arms and embrace me with the same warmth and tenderness as a mother would to her child. the city has brought me more knowledge and experience than i ever dreamed it would. when i walk down the street, i feel a sense of hope, and wonder for what is to come. just the possibility that ANYTHING could happen at ANY moment, is as exciting as it is scary. the city has taught me to open my eyes and take in everything around me. it has taught me that everyone is truly unique and that we should do nothing less than show it off for the whole world to see. i have never felt more comfortable with who I am, in this big city where there is no one like me. i have never felt more at peace than i do when i am weaving my way around the traffic filled streets on a sunny day. i have found the city to not only match my expectations, but far surpass my wildest dreams. i never thought i could learn so much about my self from a vast metropolis, where most of the people would rather step on me than help me up. i have become a much stronger, confident person than i ever thought i could be. and for that, i am willing to be in debt to the city for the rest of my life.
in order to live in the city AND enjoy it, you must have a love affair with the city. you must except it for what it is, and love the exciting world of possibility. its a relationship really, because when you live in a city with such a personality as New York, it really comes alive. and for that reason, and that reason alone, is why i know i could never turn in my metro card for an SUV. not now, not ever.
-city girl-
that's only the beginning of life in the city. so if you can grasp the idea that nothing you own is really YOURS, and you will be in debt until your 60, (just in time for the doctors bills that come with old age) you should do OK living in the city. at this point you may ask, "what is so great about living in a big city, then?" well sometimes i ask my self the same question, especially when i look at smaller cities and find that i could have an apartment double the size of mine for half the rent. plus tax is lower, everything costs less, and its easy to go to sleep at ten o' clock if i feel the need. yet, every time i leave the city, within hours i start to feel its magnetic pull, urging me back to the polluted air, fast walking and movie theaters that cost 11.00 for a matinee. (in fact movies cost 11.00 all the time. why give a discount in the afternoon when millions of people would pay full price?) not only do i start to miss the city after only a few peaceful minutes on a train, but i often feel the NEED to be back in the hustle and bustle of New York. my lungs crave the dirty air, and my feet ache to pound the pavement.
the city, is a magical place. where your options are endless and all your hopes and dreams just might come true. (of course they never do) these reasons and many more are why i felt the need to tear myself away from my safe haven in Pittsburgh at the tender age of 18.
at first, i actually thought that i could go to school in New York and still call Pittsburgh home. I thought that i would enjoy the experience the city gave me, and come back educated, well dressed and a tad more mature. however, i soon found myself getting restless in the house i once lived in, and calling New York my home. how could one fairly small city feel less comforting than a city with not one familiar face. more so, how could one small city girl turn into a big city girl over night? how did i become accustomed to taking subways and buses, when driving was the only reliable transportation in Pittsburgh? how do you get used to the cynicism and attitude when you come from a place where you say hello to the majority of people you pass on the sidewalk? how do you learn to become a citizen, not a tourist, in a place as magical and exciting as New York? how do you keep a sense of who you are when you are just one tiny person in a city with millions. how do you walk down the street and not feel intimidated by the people and buildings towering over you? how does one get used to the fast paced life? and most importantly, how is this the first time i have asked all these questions, when i have lived here for over 2 years?!?
i have found the city to open up its big concrete and steel arms and embrace me with the same warmth and tenderness as a mother would to her child. the city has brought me more knowledge and experience than i ever dreamed it would. when i walk down the street, i feel a sense of hope, and wonder for what is to come. just the possibility that ANYTHING could happen at ANY moment, is as exciting as it is scary. the city has taught me to open my eyes and take in everything around me. it has taught me that everyone is truly unique and that we should do nothing less than show it off for the whole world to see. i have never felt more comfortable with who I am, in this big city where there is no one like me. i have never felt more at peace than i do when i am weaving my way around the traffic filled streets on a sunny day. i have found the city to not only match my expectations, but far surpass my wildest dreams. i never thought i could learn so much about my self from a vast metropolis, where most of the people would rather step on me than help me up. i have become a much stronger, confident person than i ever thought i could be. and for that, i am willing to be in debt to the city for the rest of my life.
in order to live in the city AND enjoy it, you must have a love affair with the city. you must except it for what it is, and love the exciting world of possibility. its a relationship really, because when you live in a city with such a personality as New York, it really comes alive. and for that reason, and that reason alone, is why i know i could never turn in my metro card for an SUV. not now, not ever.
-city girl-
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